Stop Wishing; Take Action

I wasn’t planning on writing again so soon, but something miraculous just happened and I need to write about it while all of the emotions are still fresh.

I’ve slowly but surely been watching every movie Emma Stone has appeared in and last night it was time for Irrational Man. Surprisingly, I really liked it (I haven’t liked Woody Allen in the past). One of the main points of the movie is that you can’t just wish for something to happen; you have to take action.

So with that in the back of my mind, I sat down this afternoon and wrote the most heartfelt and honest letter of my life. I was only half serious about sending it. Until Facebook automatically sent it after I selected it from my files.

The purpose of this letter was to explain why I’ve approached a certain friendship the way I have for so long. I had wanted to explain this face to face for about 6 years, but the opportunity (and courage) never arose.

During those 6 years I had fantasized about how it would all go down. Next time we hang out, I’m just going to come right out and say it as soon as we get in the car (so I don’t lose my nerve). And after every outing, I would return home disappointed in myself for not bringing it up. But I would keep wishing that maybe it would come up organically. Maybe it would just come up in conversation during one of our 2 outings a year. Maybe she would text me one day and it would just feel like the right time to share.

But today, I stopped wishing and took action.

I don’t even remember how that blank page got opened and how I started spilling my guts. All of a sudden, I just was. And just as quickly, it was sent.

I was, of course, hoping for the best case scenario, but steeling myself for no response.

I left my phone in the kitchen and went to my room to distract myself. That alone was strange. I never leave my phone in another room, especially when there’s a chance that I could be getting a text or call.

10 minutes later, I returned to the kitchen and glanced at my phone–the blue light wasn’t blinking, which meant no response. But I noticed an extra icon below the time.

It was the Messenger icon.

She responded.

I unlocked my phone and, in no big hurry, checked my messages, like this was just my dad saying he was on his way home.

I couldn’t even comprehend what I was reading. I think I got half way through before I realized this was the best case scenario. It happened.

I literally fell to the floor and just started sobbing. I couldn’t believe that what I had wished for for so long was finally coming true.

All I could muster for a response was “Oh my god, you have no idea–I’m literally sobbing right now! THANK YOU SO MUCH!” I felt like a blubbering idiot.

But I did it. I stopped wishing, took action and got exactly what I wanted.

I feel invigorated and motivated! I can get whatever I want if I do something instead of relying on wishing.

That’s all!

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Story Time

I don’t know why, but it feels weird to be writing in this space again.

I’ve been writing a lot lately in more of a story format. I use what I’m experiencing in the moment (sights, sounds, feelings, etc.) and create what I imagine would be background for characters in a story. The thing that bothers me is that there’s really only one character: me. Because I’m using everything around me, I decided to just let it fly and embrace the fact that it’s extremely personal. So far, I haven’t changed any details. I am literally just writing my life in a book format.

That terrifies me a little bit, because I feel like if I continue with it and it evolves into some kind of narrative, I’m going to be too attached to change things around and make it less personal. But at the same time, I would never let anyone read it the way it is because it is so personal.

It also terrifies me because it’s making me think a lot. And I don’t have a great history with thinking a lot. It feels like something that could lead me down a rabbit hole. But it also feels like something that could help me uncover my potential.

So, as I mentioned, I’ve decided to just embrace it and cherish it as something just for me.

I realized that I really like writing in that format, though. And if nothing else, it’s good practice.

There are so many other things going on right now, and I would love to catch you up, but I just felt like this was important to get out of the way first. I hope that in the coming weeks I will be able to find some time and motivation to tell you about everything!

But if not, Happy Spring, Happy Earth Day, Happy April, Happy May, and Happy Friday!

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(P.S. La La Land comes out on DVD next week! I’ve been abstaining (from watching the movie/clips–can’t give up the music), so, hopefully, when I watch it again on Tuesday it will be just as magical as the first time! #morethananobsession)

Breakthrough

I think I just had a breakthrough.

I have always been a very anxious person. I worry about everything. And then I worry about the fact that I worry about everything. No exaggeration.

Before sending pretty much any text, I have to reread it at least 3 times–are there any grammatical errors? Embarrassing. Is the wording perfect? Is that really the right emoji? I don’t want to be offensive in any way. Do I use too many emojis? Not enough? Ugh, again, embarrassing. Is it too long? Too short? Don’t want to drone on and be a bore or appear rude. Have I texted this person too often lately? Don’t want to look desperate. Not enough? Don’t want to appear uninterested. *Send* Why did I just do that?! They probably won’t read it anyway. And if they do, they definitely won’t respond. 

I need to know how a day is going to play out the night before. If I don’t have a general idea of what is going to happen, I can’t fall asleep. If plans change, it’s like the world was turned upside down. You want to try a NEW restaurant for dinner?! But I was excited about making a roast! Where is it? That’s kind of a sketchy area. What if we get lost and something bad happens? What if the restaurant isn’t clean? What if the food is terrible? What if there’s no one else there, so everyone can hear what we’re talking about? What if there are too many people there and it’s so loud we can’t hear each other? 

I used to be terrified that someone was going to break into our house and kidnap me or kill my family in front of me. Those were real thoughts that I had nightly and sometimes they seeped into my dreams. I can still remember one recurring dream I had where these thugs came in the middle of the day posing as some kind of tradesmen and they would threaten my parents and I would sneak out of the house and run as far as I could. But they would always find me. I would ask my parents multiple times before bed to check that all the doors were locked (even though we live in a very safe area). I also asked them to leave a TV on as long as they were awake, so I would know they were still safe. Every rustle or creak convinced me that those thoughts were finally coming true. There was definitely someone walking around the house with a gun. Because of those thoughts and dreams, I became scared of answering the phone and the door. To this day, I will not answer a phone call or the door unless I know without a doubt who it is and what their purpose is. (I literally hide from UPS and FedEx.)

I also have social anxiety. I’ve always been shy, but I think this goes beyond it. If I’m talking to someone I don’t know face to face, especially if they are in some position of authority, my face gets beet red, I start sweating like a crazy person and come this close to crying. My brain shuts down. I can’t process anything. If I have to initiate a phone call with someone I don’t know, it takes at least 45 minutes for me to actually dial and press send. I have to psych myself up. That’s okay as a kid, but it’s pretty hard to function in the adult world if you can’t effectively communicate with people you don’t know.

There were periods in my life when that anxiousness completely took over and smothered the real me. (I would prefer not to revisit that time, so let your imagination run free. It’ll probably end up where mine did.)

For some reason I really felt like I was supposed to learn more about anxiety last night (I don’t know why I had never done so in the past). I remembered reading something about Emma Stone being very anxious (finally the La La Land obsession paid off!). I did a quick search and came across this article where she talks about how debilitating it was when she was younger and a book she made to help deal with it.

“I wrote this book called I Am Bigger Than My Anxiety that I still have: I drew a little green monster on my shoulder that speaks to me in my ear and tells me all these things that aren’t true. And every time I listen to it, it grows bigger. If I listen to it enough, it crushes me. But if I turn my head and keep doing what I’m doing – let it speak to me, but don’t give it the credit it needs – then it shrinks down and fades away.”

As I kept rereading that quote last night, I realized that that felt familiar. It wasn’t until this morning when I started reflecting on it in my journal that it really hit me.

I’ve been thinking of myself as this negative person for years. But when I’m not listening to that little voice in my ear, I’m actually a very happy and positive person! I don’t like being a Debbie Downer. It doesn’t feel natural. Happiness feels natural. Laughing feels natural. Joking feels natural. Being hopeful and positive feels natural. It’s the voice that brings me down. I’ve been feeding it for far too long.

It’s made me realize that I don’t have a million huge problems, like it sometimes feels. I have one major problem that presents itself in a million little ways. And it always seems easier to fix one problem than a million all at once!

I feel like I can finally see the sun coming out from behind the clouds!

I don’t know how much this new outlook will change, but I feel a lot more hopeful than I have in a long time!

(I definitely reread this 3 times before pressing “Publish.” I’m hoping this will be helpful to someone, just like Emma’s story was helpful to me.)

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Remembering a Dream

You know that feeling when you’re trying to remember a really good dream after you wake up? That’s how I’ve been feeling lately when I listen to La La Land. I feel like it’s supposed to inspire me somehow. But I can never quite grasp it.

If I’m being honest, I was starting to get a little sick of the music. Then one day last week I stopped singing along and just listened.

That is so much more powerful.

It moved me.

I feel inspired to do something–I just don’t know what it is I’m supposed to do.

It calms me, which is actually enough right now. It centers me.

My life has been a lot more hectic since we got back from Hawaii. Next week will be the first really normal week, schedule-wise.

So I suppose I’ve needed that one steady thing to bring me back from the craziness.

I think I’m in for a year of self-discovery.

Finding My Somewhere

I have to admit something:

I. Love. La La Land.

Actually, I don’t just love it. I’m a teeny bit obsessed with it.

And by obsessed, I mean I’ve seen it in theaters 4 times and have had the soundtrack playing almost constantly on a loop for more than a month now.

As I was listening to this song for the thousandth time (at this point in my obsession that’s probably not even an exaggeration anymore) this morning, this line grabbed my attention. It already stands out, since it isn’t directly surrounded by any other lyrics. But it hit me in a more personal way today.

“Is someone in the crowd the only thing you really see? Watching while the world keeps spinning round. Somewhere there’s a place where I’ll find who I want to be. A somewhere that’s just waiting to be found.”

I have spent my whole life wanting to be someone in the crowd just watching other people live their lives. It’s safer that way. And I’ve been able to get away with that for a long time.

But now I’m starting to feel like I have to start living more boldly.

But when–and how–is my purpose going to make itself apparent?

My dad was telling me that if he’d known that everything would work out, he would’ve taken advantage of and enjoyed his single years more.

But it’s hard to appreciate the stage you’re at when you’re not positive that it actually will work out.

But then again, how positive can you be that something is really going to work out–even the best things can go downhill.

I feel like I should be enjoying this time a lot more than I am. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, I’m living at home, I’m single, I have an extremely flexible job and I’m still young.

Yet I find myself worrying about the future all. the. time.

I know I have to put myself out there more to get everything I’ve always wanted for my life, but it’s so comfortable in my bubble.

As I was looking through random notes on my phone the other day, I came across this quote:

Let your faith be stronger than your fears.

I saw it in my new favorite store in Hawaii and it made me think. I completely forgot about it, until I stumbled across it a few days ago.

I’m having a little trouble with the faith part right now. My fears have always had a tendency to take over. 
But I’m trying to think about this quote throughout the day and make different choices.

Because nothing will change if nothing changes.

I have to go out and find my somewhere. 

It’s Time

It feels good to be writing again! We’ve been pretty busy this past month and I needed some time to think about what I want and need to change this year.

My nephew was born a few days before Christmas and he’s the most chill baby I’ve ever seen! He’s been a snuggler, snorer, and smiler since day one! And he makes the most adorable puppy noises! I’ve decided to call him PB on this blog. Him and his sister (who seriously grew up in the last 2 weeks!) are PB & J! My brother is having a lot of fun with that! The first 2 weeks of PB’s life were filled with lots of family and friend get-togethers to show off our new pride and joy!

Then my parents, my best friend and I jetted off to Hawaii for 2 weeks! We spent one week on the Big Island and one week in Honolulu. We all needed that break for our own reasons, but I feel like I really learned a lot about myself.

It had been 5 years since we’d been on the Big Island and I had always regretted not ziplining while we were there. Well, this year we finally did it! I was getting pretty anxious on the drive over, but I was never really nervous. My parents, especially my dad, were pretty nervous, though! I knew it was safe and that I would love it, but it’s hard to scare those butterflies away!

I didn’t, however, think that I would love it as much as I did.

Neither did my parents.

They honestly thought that I would chicken out. My mom told me how proud she was after almost every run. They didn’t think that I would be able to overcome the fear.

But I was never scared.

It was exhilarating!

It was very unlike me. It made me think about some other (smaller) fears that I could overcome with this new confidence.

Then the next day we took a sunrise helicopter tour around the island. I get sick on regular airplanes…so we were all a little hesitant about it. I decided not to take any drugs, because I hate the drowsiness that comes with them.

I didn’t need them.

Again, I loved it! It wasn’t quite as exhilarating as the zipline, but, again, I overcame a major fear of mine.

(I couldn’t, however, overcome the 7-hour plane ride home with as much confidence.)

The rest of the trip was rather dull in comparison, but still enjoyable.

We landed at 5 am Saturday morning and only had a few hours to clean up and catch some z’s before some last-minute company arrived for the night. My brother brought the kiddos over for a sweet reunion and I was asleep by 8:30 pm.

Yesterday was the real recovery day. And last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I knew what I needed to write today.

I need some accountability on this, which is why I need to write it here.

It’s time for me to grow up.

2017 needs to be the year of Carrie.

I need to continue learning about myself and, most importantly, challenging myself.

I need to start seriously thinking about a career.

I have decided that that means two things:

  1. Posts that focus on me. After taking some time to think about, I’m just not comfortable with the number of posts last year that were all about J. Last year was all about the kids, and I need this year to be about me. This will be a challenge, but I think it will be good for me. I haven’t yet decided how I will channel that excitement about the kiddos, but I think it needs to be something more personal and private than public.
  2. I need to make time every day to write. I’ve seen this technique all over the internet and in various books and I’ve decided to try it. It doesn’t matter if this leads to anything–writing is something that has always calmed me and allowed me to think through things in a more tangible way. Toward the end of last year, I decided to commit time every day to exercise and now I’m addicted. It makes me feel so good! I’m equating this to mental exercise. I need to take care of my body and my mind. I’m not sure if this will be in the form of blog posts, in fact I actually doubt it. But it will certainly help me focus my posts on me.

I have never been a resolution person and I’m not even going to consider this a resolution, because resolutions rarely work. This is a process for me. It’s a journey. It’s an adventure.

I can’t wait to see what other discoveries this will lead to in the year ahead and I’m excited to take you along for the ride.

Wish me luck!

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December

I love December.

Because, as you know, I love Christmas. And December is basically just Christmas.

December is also the month of babies in my family this year. And, I mean, I don’t know, do you think I like babies?!

My “twin” cousin just had her little girl this morning and we’re all kind of betting on my sister-in-law having her little boy this week!

Combine those two things, Christmas and babies, and really what else do you need?!

I felt like I was going overboard with my Christmas shopping this year, but then I realized most of the stuff was for me…whoops. I’m really really enjoying the giving part of Christmas lately, though. I haven’t been able to give any suggestions for myself in years, but I have so many ideas for my parents, brother or sister-in-law, niece, or even friends. It’s a strange new era for me.

Another thing that’s strange for me is that I’m not really getting all of the familial warm and fuzzies I talked about in my last post. My dad and I are still doing all of the traditions, but my mom has no interest. Like, no interest.

I used to have an order that I would want to watch all of the Christmas movies in. I guess I thought it was important to her too, so I’d always wait for nights when we were all home. This year, when we tell her we’re watching a movie, she grabs a snack and watches her British dramas in her bedroom. Because she’s been so blatant about it, the magic has greatly diminished for me, so we’ve been *gasp* watching the movies out of order.

I also seem to remember at least 2 years when we had a little tradition of all of us putting the tree up together while watching (the first movie of the season) White Christmas. This year, while my friend and I were partaking in a Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life binge, my dad literally brought the tree home, set it on the deck and said “Okay, here’s your tree, Carrie.” put it in the stand (okay, with a little help), put the lights on, put the angel on top and put all of the ornaments on. There was no “we.” It was a little sad, honestly.

also put up all of the Christmas decorations around the house, which my mom used to help with.

The only tradition we’ve truly kept alive this year is my dad and I putting up the outdoor decorations together to avoid being sucked in to one of my mom’s projects.

I’m not trying to sound down. It’s just an adjustment for me. I’m starting to realize what my Christmases going forward might look like.

Growing up feels weird.

That’s why I need to hang out with all of these cute babies being born!!

I seriously cannot wait to meet the little dude!

Here’s the last calendar page for 2016:

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I haven’t decided yet if I will be sharing pages from next year’s calendar…cliffhanger.

Now that I see the page, I feel bad that I didn’t say anything about my best friend!! I think I summed it up pretty well last year! I love that dog more than any person (maybe he’s tied with that little girl)! He is literally the best, most constant and loyal friend I’ve ever had! Ugh, LOVE HIM. SO MUCH.

Merry Christmas!!

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