Special

I am aware of how selfish I’m about to sound, but I’ve been holding this back for a while now and I need to get it out of my head:

The number of people in the world makes me mad.

Forget the world for a minute, there are literally millions of other people in the United States going about their lives thinking in one way or another, they are special.

I live a simple life and I don’t have grand or unrealistic dreams, but there are certain things that make me feel like I’ve really got it figured out. I have the best life. I live in the most beautiful place, I have the best family, friends, pets, job, etc.

Then I think about all the other people in the world living an eerily similar life and suddenly the sparkle is gone. I’m not special. I’m just ordinary. Everything and everyone so dear to me, so special to me, is really just ordinary.

I remember the first time I wondered what would happen if there was no life. First I started small: what happens if there’s no Carrie? That was easy enough, my family would still be intact, I just wouldn’t be in the pictures. But then I jumped to, well, what if my parents never existed? That got a little more complicated. Then the big question came: what happens when there’s no life? Do the lights just go out? But there wouldn’t be anyone around to notice…I suddenly understood the phrase “mind blown.” I couldn’t, and still can’t, comprehend it.

But every now and then I find myself thinking, what’s the point? If I’m not special, why am I here? Of course you’re special, little snowflake. No one has ever been you and no one ever will be. No one else ever has or ever will experience the world quite the way you do.

Well, I say bullshit.

Plenty of people experience the world exactly the same way I do. Plenty of people have the same goals and dreams I do. Plenty of people have the same tastes I do. Plenty of people have the same interests as me. Plenty of people experience the same emotions as me. Plenty of people have the same emotional attachments to people, places and objects as I do. Plenty of people have the same annoyances I do. Plenty of people have the same hardships I do.

Maybe this whole train of thought is something everyone deals with, too.

Maybe this is all just another way that I’m not special.

But here’s the thing: I try so hard to be anything but special. I don’t want to stand out. So why the hell does this bother me so much?

It just makes everything seem so bleak. It sours my special moments. It makes me want to give up more than anything else ever has. How can people keep living and thriving after a realization like this?

I’ll let you know when the fog clears.

Screenshot 2016-01-18 14.26.24

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