Finding My Somewhere

I have to admit something:

I. Love. La La Land.

Actually, I don’t just love it. I’m a teeny bit obsessed with it.

And by obsessed, I mean I’ve seen it in theaters 4 times and have had the soundtrack playing almost constantly on a loop for more than a month now.

As I was listening to this song for the thousandth time (at this point in my obsession that’s probably not even an exaggeration anymore) this morning, this line grabbed my attention. It already stands out, since it isn’t directly surrounded by any other lyrics. But it hit me in a more personal way today.

“Is someone in the crowd the only thing you really see? Watching while the world keeps spinning round. Somewhere there’s a place where I’ll find who I want to be. A somewhere that’s just waiting to be found.”

I have spent my whole life wanting to be someone in the crowd just watching other people live their lives. It’s safer that way. And I’ve been able to get away with that for a long time.

But now I’m starting to feel like I have to start living more boldly.

But when–and how–is my purpose going to make itself apparent?

My dad was telling me that if he’d known that everything would work out, he would’ve taken advantage of and enjoyed his single years more.

But it’s hard to appreciate the stage you’re at when you’re not positive that it actually will work out.

But then again, how positive can you be that something is really going to work out–even the best things can go downhill.

I feel like I should be enjoying this time a lot more than I am. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, I’m living at home, I’m single, I have an extremely flexible job and I’m still young.

Yet I find myself worrying about the future all. the. time.

I know I have to put myself out there more to get everything I’ve always wanted for my life, but it’s so comfortable in my bubble.

As I was looking through random notes on my phone the other day, I came across this quote:

Let your faith be stronger than your fears.

I saw it in my new favorite store in Hawaii and it made me think. I completely forgot about it, until I stumbled across it a few days ago.

I’m having a little trouble with the faith part right now. My fears have always had a tendency to take over. 
But I’m trying to think about this quote throughout the day and make different choices.

Because nothing will change if nothing changes.

I have to go out and find my somewhere. 

It’s Time

It feels good to be writing again! We’ve been pretty busy this past month and I needed some time to think about what I want and need to change this year.

My nephew was born a few days before Christmas and he’s the most chill baby I’ve ever seen! He’s been a snuggler, snorer, and smiler since day one! And he makes the most adorable puppy noises! I’ve decided to call him PB on this blog. Him and his sister (who seriously grew up in the last 2 weeks!) are PB & J! My brother is having a lot of fun with that! The first 2 weeks of PB’s life were filled with lots of family and friend get-togethers to show off our new pride and joy!

Then my parents, my best friend and I jetted off to Hawaii for 2 weeks! We spent one week on the Big Island and one week in Honolulu. We all needed that break for our own reasons, but I feel like I really learned a lot about myself.

It had been 5 years since we’d been on the Big Island and I had always regretted not ziplining while we were there. Well, this year we finally did it! I was getting pretty anxious on the drive over, but I was never really nervous. My parents, especially my dad, were pretty nervous, though! I knew it was safe and that I would love it, but it’s hard to scare those butterflies away!

I didn’t, however, think that I would love it as much as I did.

Neither did my parents.

They honestly thought that I would chicken out. My mom told me how proud she was after almost every run. They didn’t think that I would be able to overcome the fear.

But I was never scared.

It was exhilarating!

It was very unlike me. It made me think about some other (smaller) fears that I could overcome with this new confidence.

Then the next day we took a sunrise helicopter tour around the island. I get sick on regular airplanes…so we were all a little hesitant about it. I decided not to take any drugs, because I hate the drowsiness that comes with them.

I didn’t need them.

Again, I loved it! It wasn’t quite as exhilarating as the zipline, but, again, I overcame a major fear of mine.

(I couldn’t, however, overcome the 7-hour plane ride home with as much confidence.)

The rest of the trip was rather dull in comparison, but still enjoyable.

We landed at 5 am Saturday morning and only had a few hours to clean up and catch some z’s before some last-minute company arrived for the night. My brother brought the kiddos over for a sweet reunion and I was asleep by 8:30 pm.

Yesterday was the real recovery day. And last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I knew what I needed to write today.

I need some accountability on this, which is why I need to write it here.

It’s time for me to grow up.

2017 needs to be the year of Carrie.

I need to continue learning about myself and, most importantly, challenging myself.

I need to start seriously thinking about a career.

I have decided that that means two things:

  1. Posts that focus on me. After taking some time to think about, I’m just not comfortable with the number of posts last year that were all about J. Last year was all about the kids, and I need this year to be about me. This will be a challenge, but I think it will be good for me. I haven’t yet decided how I will channel that excitement about the kiddos, but I think it needs to be something more personal and private than public.
  2. I need to make time every day to write. I’ve seen this technique all over the internet and in various books and I’ve decided to try it. It doesn’t matter if this leads to anything–writing is something that has always calmed me and allowed me to think through things in a more tangible way. Toward the end of last year, I decided to commit time every day to exercise and now I’m addicted. It makes me feel so good! I’m equating this to mental exercise. I need to take care of my body and my mind. I’m not sure if this will be in the form of blog posts, in fact I actually doubt it. But it will certainly help me focus my posts on me.

I have never been a resolution person and I’m not even going to consider this a resolution, because resolutions rarely work. This is a process for me. It’s a journey. It’s an adventure.

I can’t wait to see what other discoveries this will lead to in the year ahead and I’m excited to take you along for the ride.

Wish me luck!

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